Ten Tips for a Fulfilling Career

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Read This Confession To Me

Carving out a meaningful career is far from easy, just ask, well, shit, anyone. Finding a job isn’t the problem, and it never has been. People who claim that they “just can’t find a job” are full of shit, and the rest of us know it. They just can’t find a job that they like and their pride starts fucking with them, because no body wants to go home for X-mas and explain to their family and friends that they’re working at Pizzaeria Uno or handing out flyers for Children’s International on the street, annoying people as they walk by. I don’t blame these people, however, because I too suffer from the same problems. Finding a job in San Francisco is far from impossible. Any temp agency or week-long committed effort to craigslist or the help-wanted ads will land you some kind of employment. Granted, you might be donating eggs (for females only) or walking dogs, but still, to say you “just can’t find a God-damned thing” is a blatant lie and we all know it. Simply ammend that statement and be honest, say “I just can’t find a God-damned thing I like” and people will understand. After having spent my entire adult life in jobs I loathed, and I can’t stress the word “loathe” enough here, I’m ready to impart ten nuggets of wisdom, ten pearls, ten flashlights of truth shining a blazing path of white-hot clarity onto your sad, pathetic “career-choices” and hopefully helping you find a niche that works for you. Something you can tell people you do without cringing/lying/crying/getting drunk.

1) Offices are out. I am sure I don’t need to explain this to many of you. If your day consists of unnatural light, the color gray, all shapes and sizes of plastic boxes (computer/fax/printer/etc), people named “Mitch” and “Candy”, and that dull, impossible to locate the source of but yet hear it nonetheless all fuckig day buzzing sound, leave immediately.


2) Get creative. Figure out what you want to do, find a way to do it for money, and when you realize it’s not going to happen start mixing various liqours in your apartment to form a whole new concoction and drink that. Drink that down now.

3) Prioritize. It’s just way better than not prioritizing.

4) Let your balls hang out (for females, exchange balls with boobs), and I don’t mean this literally. By letting “your balls (and/or boobs, if you live in SF, you may have both) hang out” you are going for it. If you’ve always wanted to write a play, then write a f-ing play. If you’ve always wanted to be involved with NASA, it’s far too late and find another way to hang balls. Whatever it if you’ve always wanted to do, stop everything and do it immediately, to hell with the consequences. People with children, mortgages, marriages, and Peruvian maids need not apply to this mantra. They must keep working, sorry.

5) Move. I hate to say it, but sometimes the only way to find what you’re looking for is opening up your search. Granted, I don’t suggest leaving SF for Indianapolis (I don’t care how good the job is, there’s no reason to live in Indianapolis), but if you broaden your search, you increase your chances to experience unhappiness in a whole new zip code.

6) Go back to school. The perfect answer for life-long procrastinators. Incruing mass debt is an art form for some people.

7) Work your contacts. We all know somebody who knows somebody who knows some chick who’s uncle knows some dude. Use it to your advantage.

8) Eat cottage cheese. There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe the career-altering effect a nice bowl of cottage cheese can have. Did you know that 23 of the last 29 Nobel Prize winners are avid cottage cheese fans? Did you know both William Buffet and Bill Gates swear by the monkey-spooge-looking nutritional faux-yogurt? Did you know cottage cheese was once added to hashish in Afghanistan to alter one’s high and give them momentary, but very real, psychic abilities?

9) Become a world class liar. There is no ceiling for liars. There is no stopping them. They run everything. Trust me.

10) Give up. A fulfilling career is right up there with the Holy Grail and a woman’s G-spot. You’re not finding it. And for those of you who say “but my friend ______ just loves what they do”, well, your friend has mastered point # 9, and should be commended.


this is in or around SF

Original Source: best of craigslist: Ten tips for a fulfilling career.




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