One of the most interesting parts of being a Public Health Specialist in the Air Force was giving counseling on sex education. More specifically, instructing people how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Of course, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand the mechanics behind something like this. Keep your spit, semen, vajayjay juice, butt ooze, and blood to yourself by using a condom, and you'll be fine. Despite the availability of condoms, people still chose to engage in unsafe behavior. Below are some of my most memorable experiences interviewing patients who tested positive for an STD.
Mr. Douche Bag
The first interview I did was with a senior enlisted guy and his wife. He was a middle-aged looking guy who had married an Asian lady he met on while working abroad. She was no spring chicken either. We always interview patients separately for privacy reasons, so I talked to them individually.
The husband seemed like a douche. He was convinced his wife gave him the disease as he was innocent of any affairs. His poor wife spoke very broken English, and who knows under what circumstances they'd met. It was obvious this wasn't a love match, but more of an arrangement of convenience. She got a ticket out of her home country, and he got a "bang maid". Mrs. Douche was adamant about her fidelity, and was brought to tears as she tried to explain that she was not with any men other than her husband.
I never did figure out who was telling the truth. It was possible that she had a long history of partners dating back to some war/conflict that put American GI's in her hood. And, that she'd been carrying the disease for a while without symptoms. He could have been one of those types who cruised bars off base looking for, and successfully finding, willing partners. Regardless, it was a terrible situation for a new bride to find herself in.
Another early interview happened with a junior officer. Mr. Condom had just returned from temporary duty to South Korea when he tested positive for an STD. After questioning, he assured me that he'd worn a condom with the Korean bartender lady that he had sex. Okay, let me get this straight. You had PROTECTED sex with someone, and still caught a disease? Yeah, right.
It was likely that he said this to convince me not to call his wife (who was also Korean) and tell her that she had been named as a contact. We never EVER named who the contacts were. But if you're married and faithful, it is pretty obvious who that is. His wife was called so that she could get tested. I'm sure she had a lot of non-English words for him when he got home that day.
The Unfaithful Husband
Mr. Husband was a dependent of an active duty member. He had a penchant for local Okinawan girls. He was hilarious. He really tried to convince me that there was no need to contact his wife because—get this—he always wore a condom when he had sex with her. Wait a minute. You have unprotected sex with random women you don't know, and have protected sex with the woman you made vows to? Sorry, dude, but she's getting a call from yours truly.
This guy was just disgusting. It baffled me how his wife even tolerated him. I mean, she had to have known. This couldn't have been the first time he got caught, right? Hopefully, she had his butt sent back stateside on special orders after this mess.
Jailbait was a high school student whose step-father was active duty military. Like many of the teenage girls on the island, she was courted by young men desperate for female companionship. The ratio of men to women on Okinawa is something crazy like 25:1, so guys would accept just about anybody to get laid. Unfortunately, this included underage girls.
Miss Jailbait came into my office after testing positive for an STD. She admitted to having sex, but told me that her partner was another high schooler. And, this high schooler had conveniently relocated with his parents recently. I knew she was lying. You want to know how I knew she was lying? I'll tell you.
This wasn't the first time Jailbait had visited my office. Prior to this interview, I had counseled her for a positive TB Test. She was Filipino, and many of our Asian dependents tested positive for the infection (not the disease) due to a higher prevalence in their countries, and a vaccine called the BCG that gave false positives. One night, I saw Jailbait in a night club where the age limit was supposed to be 18 and up. Clearly, the management made exceptions for teenage girls. She was there surrounded by adult military men. We made eye contact, but I didn't say anything to her. It was against policy to acknowledge patients unless they approached you first. So no, Miss Jailbait was not positive from this fake high schooler. She was banging Marines. Since I couldn't prove it, I pretended to buy her story. I did actually make an attempt to find the boy she named, but had no such luck in locating him. And, I didn't report her for underage sex because I had no evidence. Clearly, she needed more adult supervision. And, a serious talking to by her parents.
There are other crazy stories, too. Like, the guy who got chlamydia in the eye. How? I have no idea. I didn’t interview him. There were also those awkward moments when the person you interviewed was an acquaintance you saw every day in the dorms or at work. Talk about awkward. And then, there were the guys who had the audacity to hit on you while you’re explaining how they should be having protected sex instead of going bare back all over town. Oh yeah, let’s go out on a date. Just call me when you’ve taken all your antibiotics, and that infection clears up. This one’s a keeper.
Well, these are my most memorable experiences as a safe sex counselor. I would urge anyone out there doing the do to wrap it up, or insist that your partner wrap it up. It will save you from embarrassment, nauseating antibiotics, and that burning sensation when you pee.
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