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Read This Confession To Me
You would know the hidden realm where all souls dwell.
The journey’s way lies through death’s misty fell.
Within this timeless passage a guiding light does dance,
Lost from conscious memory, but visible in trance.
-Michael Newton, Journey of Souls
I was hit with a premonition a few years ago, that someone close to me, like a best friend, that was not a family member, but someone I knew very well, would pass away far before their time. I had just one or two people at that time that I knew I was close with and might consider best friends, but there did not seem to be any threat near, and I brushed it off. Over the years, although I never received the premonition again, it would often come up in my thoughts every so often, but nothing seemed to surface, until one day, it did. At the time, he had been my best friend and got me through some rough patches in my life. His death inspired me to write, One Life, Old Man.
There is really no easy way to tell someone that you foresaw their death, nor would they believe you, and might think of you as being crazy, and so I brushed it off, never telling him that I may have foreseen his death. I could regret not telling him for the rest of my life, but it may have not changed anything, regardless if I told him or not. Several years had passed, but the thoughts about the premonition still continued to surface.
There is nothing more painful, heart-wrenching, and shocking, than the loss of a friend, particularly a best friend. Imagining life without anyone, especially a loved one who is a family member is hard enough, but imagining a life without a best friend is just as worse; waking up everyday knowing that they are no longer living, that you cannot call them up just to talk, or ask to hang out anymore is nothing short of an unbearable feeling, and there is nothing you can do about it.
As you go through your memory bank of your relationship, from the things you said, the things you didn’t say, the things you did, or the things you didn’t do, you can’t help but wonder what you could have done to change the unforeseen unthinkable event. The trust and faith you have in life is severely weakened and nearly lost, as you cannot trust that anyone you love is going to live tomorrow, or that you will even be blessed to see another day.
This is not to say that a perfect life with a perfect family or perfect friends was ever guaranteed, but a normal life would be great, a normal life where all your loved ones are alive and doing alright, and everyone has a pretty fair chance at life. Unfortunately, only so many years can pass before the events that are a part of everyday life begin to affect you and your loved ones.
Another best friend of mine came back into my life, a childhood best friend whom I was so very fond of, and never forgot over the years, but he had gotten in touch with me to inform me that his mother, who I adored, had passed away. While it was sad news to hear, the good that came of it was that it brought us back together, of talking to one another again, as we had not communicated in almost a decade.
When you and your best friend grow up together, play together, sleep over each other’s houses, listen to each other, do just about everything together, you connect on many unconscious levels that make you feel like you are more than just friends, possibly even more than family, but soul mates.
This is not to say that your soul mate has to be your lover, but your soul mate, who is your best friend, even of the same or opposite sex, is that one person, or several people, in life that you cannot imagine living life without. Growing up together, you may not know everything about your best friend, but you do understand them, from their joys to their pains, and you feel everything they feel. You may even grow apart, as a natural part of life, but there is not a day that goes by where you do not think about them, and await that one day, that perhaps, you two may reconnect once again.
Not a day went by where I had not wished to hear from him again, but between college and career, life got very busy on either side, and it was not meant to be that we would see or talk to each other until a later time. It was amazing to hear from him again, by phone, and although we never got a chance to meet up again, we did talk and see each other via webcam. He had just graduated from diving school and was on his way to a very successful career. I never did mention the premonition to him, because it is not something you mention to your best friend after speaking to him for the first time in years.
I was living in another state and he had just returned home from another state after his mother passed away to comfort and care for his sister, who was not taking her mother’s death so well. He was the friend that people could rely on and had a light in his heart. He was someone special who was far from a selfish person and only cared that people were happy. He hated to see people sad and would do anything in his power to ensure they were comfortable. Whether he was depressed and sad on the inside, he certainly knew how to hide it, but he looked forward to living life and enjoying everything he had. His mother worked ends meet to make a good life for him and ensure that he and his sister were brought up well, and she had done an amazing job.
Unfortunately, just a week after having spoken with him and seeing him, and two months after his mother passing, I got a call that I will never forget and a call that I wish I could have changed in some way or another. It was not from him, but from my own siblings, who received the information from a mutual family friend, that my best friend had passed away overnight. It was unreal and unimaginable.
Not my best friend, not another one of my best friends. How could such a strong powerful man who looked forward to his career and life have passed away in his sleep? But as the day went on, more and more of his own friends were finding out, and expressing their condolences on his Facebook wall, and I knew, that this was no joke. Reality set in and I began to cry harder than I ever cried before, because I had lost my best friend, my soul mate.
I lost my best friend, and best friends are far and few, as I already have very few friends, and even less that I might call “best friend”. Throughout our time on this Earth, people come into our lives and often leave, out of necessity to grow, but there are those few people who remain in our lives and grow with us. I lost two best friends in my life, of a very similar circumstance, and very close to the same age, of which I can only think to myself, “What if I just made that phone call to talk to them?” “What if I had just mentioned the premonition?” “What if?”
Talking to him and seeing him is a lot better than having never spoken to him again or seeing him again and finding out that he passed away. I know I cannot hold myself guilty for my misfortunes of losing him, of being unable to prevent his death, but the pain of living through his death, of not being able to grow old with him or share life with him, or choose him as my “best man” at my wedding, or the “godfather” of my unborn children, is a heartbreaking pain that will never go away. Worst is the fact that I will never get to see him grow old, be the best man at his wedding, watch him raise his children, or acknowledge his accomplishments in life, but I am left only to attend his funeral, mourn his death, and observe that his last breath is already gone. His “body” is preserved in a casket or urn, never to see the light of day again, never to know what a full life meant, never to experience the joys and pains of having lived and dying at an old age.
The pain may be dulled, but it is never gone. The memories are never forgotten and often play in my mind as if it were only yesterday, that we were just children playing. When you lose a best friend, you lose a part of your soul, and there is no amount of time or healing that can fix it. That part of your soul has moved on from this world. The only thing you can do is keep living, loving, and doing what you know you have to do to continue on with life.
To my best friend, I love you with all my heart and soul and there will never be a day where I will stop thinking about you. I wrote this in memory and honor of my best friend, David Loveland Jr., who was a part in making me the person I am today. Thank you for having lived and being a part of my life. David wrote this for his mother and it also now applies to him.
You taught me so much. You were the hardest working human being I have ever known. You picked me up when I was at my lowest and because of you, I am a better person today. God put you in my life, even if it was just a short time, for a reason. And I am truly blessed to have known an amazing woman like you! You are now in a place you worked so hard to be….and that’s somewhere you can be carefree and healthy. Rest in Peace Angel.
— David Loveland Jr. (June 1, 1986 – June 22, 2015)
Rest in peace, DJ.