IF YOUR LIFE WAS LIKE AN ONION HEADLINE
Read This Confession To Me
If your life was like an onion headline, what would it read?
27 year old man who majored in film criticism spends majority of time checking craigslist gigs boards, rethinking life choices.
28 year old man works half a dozen jobs, too busy to live life.
28 year old literature major finally learns the meaning of irony.
26 year old female, who was in college for 7 years and no degree to show for it, not even close to getting married, buying a house, having a baby or financing a brand new car, just lost bartending job and is barely making it by babysitting.
38 year old work-at-home single Mom who makes just barely enough to support her and her kids and still can't catch any breaks, or a man who has his life together and doesn't still live at home with his mother.
35 year old history teacher who wants to teach his students the truth, but came to the conclusion that history books may not be accurate.
30 year old virgin who did everything right, went to college, got a great job, but still struggles to find love.
42 year old working woman who risks being labeled a slut because her sex drive leads her to younger men with equal to or greater than sex drive in the office.
31 year old world traveler with 2 children and wife just lost both jobs by fighting people at both of them and is now unemployed seeking culinary work, jumps out of planes to find meaning in life.
21 year old male travels world, only to come home, and realize he is in massive credit card debt and student loan debt.
22 year old girl dumps boyfriend, quits job, and moves to Florida to find some meaning in life.
60 year old man retires with a fortune in savings, but is now too tired to do anything with it.
32 year old female who rebelled her entire youth and become overprotective of her baby girl, comes to the realization that her 15 year old baby girl is doing the same exact thing she did.
62 year female retires from her job as secretary, only to return to work a year later in Customer Service at Walmart for much needed money.
25 year old mathematics teacher who cannot instill in students the importance of mathematics, even after explaining all the calculations and logic that went into making the very thing distracting their attention away from mathematics, the smartphone.
22 year old female seeking man who has his act together and will take care of her.
69 year old man finds sexual humor in his age.
29 year old female librarian remains fantasy of many crazed teenage boys, despite her efforts to cover up her bosom.
45 year old divorced male not sure why he is looking for second wife who will probably end up doing the same thing as his ex-wife.
33 year old male discovers key to happiness is having a place to go during the day, away from wife and kids.
49 year old female ready for sex again.
77 year old man still working because there is nothing better to do, other than to die.
26 year old philosophy major still pondering why.
55 year old man retires after working for over 40 years, only to have a heart attack, leading to disability.
34 year old man still chasing dreams even though they are really just nightmares.
70 year old woman loves her husband to death, literally.
100 year old outlives everyone in his high school graduating class, proving he is still the best at everything.
18 year old wonders when adulthood actually kicks in.
45 year old husband deals with anxious and pissed off wife, not because husband isn't perfect, but because she is nervously unemployed.
23 year old stressed waitress wondering if this job is really going to be her career.
24 year old male works minimum wage job after graduating college and wonders if the major he chose was the wrong choice.
26 year old compelled by Boredom and Poverty, History Master Student "thinking about maybe starting up again sometime soon".
24 year old crazy dog lady discovers her truest of talents: canine nicknames and jingles.
What's yours? Let us know in the comments!
If you enjoyed this confession, make sure you subscribe to the Confessions RSS feed!
You can also follow Confessions on Twitter.
You can also subscribe to the Weekly Confessions Digest.
- The website, The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.
- The Onion is technically not real news, but a spin on news that would probably make it more interesting and fun to read.
- Many articles are written by contributors and people who work at the Onion.
- These are just some proposed headlines, without the articles, that you might read on The Onion.