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Secrets of the Bathroom

Posted by Confessions of the Professions in Confessions

Matthew Gates


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The subject is one that not many people dare to talk about. But it is something everybody does and knows about. Everyone who is alive has to use the bathroom. There is no secret that what we eat goes through us, our bodies use what is needed, and the waste needs to get dumped, causing us to have to use the toilet. Everybody poops. No one is exempt. So that is why I am speaking about it.

The issue of dumping is that there was never anything created to really deal with the mess in an appropriate manner. Before toilet paper, people used grass, leaves, corncobs, shells, fur, cloth, hay, sponges, hemp, and other similar items. The issue with many of these items were that sometimes they could cause hemorrhoids, rashes, and other serious skin conditions.

Of course, back before the invention of fast food, GMOs, and other cheap quickly made "crap" products, human waste was probably easier to clean and less messy than it is today. The way to tell is by your diet. If you go a week to a month without eating any processed food, you can tell the difference. If you eat fast food and junk food for a week, it is much more grosser, dirtier, and messier.

The use of a type of toilet paper was first recorded in China in the 6th century. Mass production of this toilet paper occurred in the 14th century, where it became more commonly available. Modern toilet paper was invented in the 19th century around 1850 - 1900. Toilet paper was actually an embarrassment and many people did not want to ask for it or buy it at stores because it was taboo. People were very embarrassed about their bodily functions. Widespread acceptance of toilet paper did not occur until more and more homes started to become equipped with indoor plumbing.

Charmin, one of the largest toilet paper companies, had a great idea for advertising in order to get toilet paper more acceptable to the population. The product was fitted with a feminine logo that depicted a beautiful woman. The genius of this campaign method was that it came across as soft and feminine and the company could avoid talking about toilet paper’s actual purpose. Toilet paper became widely accepted and the United States currently spends over $6 billion a year on toilet paper, more than any other nation in the world.

There was one other invention, an invention that I became largely dependent on and never left, long after I had grown up and became an adult. Whenever and wherever I use the bathroom, I use this product. I usually don’t admit this to anyone. My family are the only ones who know I use it. I normally let people I trust know that I use it, if the conversation calls for it. For example, I might carry it around with me, and sometimes there have been those occasional slips where it fell out of my pocket or bag, and well, topic of conversation! I use it!

Baby wipes. Adult wipes. Wet Wipes. Moist Towelettes. I went from pooping in a diaper, to hiding under the coffee table and pooping in my pants (I truly am sorry for those years I put you through Mom) to finally learning how to use the toilet properly. Using the toilet properly also required learning how to wipe myself.

My parents taught me how to wipe. Toilet paper was just okay. Something just didn’t feel right. It left me feeling.. dry and unclean. Also, it seemed like I didn’t do something right. Maybe I needed a bath? A shower? For a while, every time I had to use the bathroom, I had to hop in the shower afterwards to feel clean. This didn’t really work when I wasn’t home. Finally, my mom introduced me to the product she had been using her entire life as well: Baby wipes.

Baby wipes are an amazing product. After using toilet paper, the use of wipes would actually clean even more than toilet paper ever could and provide the clean and a more moist feeling between the cheeks in order to feel more comfortable when walking. No longer was a shower or bath required after going. For those days when you have diarrhea or a stomachache so bad, you wish you were dead, wipes really make things better, easier, and faster to clean.

When it comes to timing and toilet paper, a bathroom session might last anywhere from 5 minutes to 20 minutes and possibly even longer. With toilet paper and wipes, the time is knocked down to no more than a 5 minute bathroom session. With wipes, the people at your office will never suspect that you went #2. With wipes, no one feels that you are gone for too long. You don’t smell afterwards, you can walk like you don’t have anything in between your legs, and you have a satisfied feeling that you are clean.

Many people do not use wipes. There are others who are embarrassed to admit they use them. There are actually plenty of black American actors and singers such as Will Smith,  Will.I.Am, Bruno Mars, and Terrence Howard, who have come out and said they use wipes, even some admitting that they’d never date women who don’t use them. For women, wipes present a whole new cleanliness, as women can clean both front and back and keep fresh throughout the day.

Here's proof on why people should have baby wipes. Get some chocolate, wipe it on a wooden floor, and then try to get it up with some dry towels. You're going to get chocolate in the cracks. That's why you gotta get them baby wipes.

- Will.I.Am

Hygiene is very important. Everyone sweats. Everyone leaks a little. These are just part of normal body functions. They happen. As you get older, your bodily functions will probably get somewhat more uncontrollable. With wipes, you know you’re always one step away from the bathroom and one wipe away from clean.

I always recommend baby / adult wipes to others. I kind of find it awkward that the majority of people go with just dry toilet paper. Don’t you want to be clean? Don’t you want to feel clean? But I guess that’s your bum, not mine. When I am over people’s houses and notice they have wipes, or even when they carry around a little handbag with wipes and other accessories, I respect and appreciate them even more. They know what I know and understand what I understand. Life is just better with baby wipes.

One last thing about wipes:  Don't flush them! It clearly states it on the package! DO NOT FLUSH! Take some toilet paper, wrap it around the wipes, and throw them away in the garbage.  Don't flush them or else you'll have a big mess on your hands and you'll clog the toilet and later the sewer system will backup.  The sewer system is another gross story, but everything is filtered.  When wipes don't break down, as toilet paper does, they get stuck in the filters of the sewer system and clog the entire system, causing major problems. So don't flush baby wipes, throw them in the garbage!

Maybe in the future, something better than toilet paper and wipes will come to be invented. After all, toilet paper can be expensive. We may as well be wiping with cash. I have always wondered, as I saw in Demolition Man, just how the three seashells work. In Japan and some other places, I've heard they use bidets and powerful air-blowers, or toilets used for the sole purpose of cleaning yourself afterwards. A bathtub-like structure may also be built into the floor where you can lean over and clean yourself. When I lived in Israel, some toilets had hoses attached to the side of them or on the wall nearby, which helped to soak yourself before wiping. These are just some alternative methods that we have yet to adopt in the United States.

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