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Monday… Just saying the word makes me want to toss my cookies, upsetting the utopian balance of solid and liquid in the septic tank I call a stomach. The Ark of Chinese food sailing blissfully on a vast internal lake of green beer is a very fragile thing.
This monday is actually worse than the last…
I awoke this morning at the nightmarish hour of 5:00 AM to a hacking cough and a kaleidascope of colored phlegm shooting out of my mouth. This on top of the the combined powers of a sinus headache AND a hang over made for quite an interesting plea for death before I managed to get up and make my way to the bathroom.
Hacking cough, Crayola “BIG BOX” of Phlegm, Hangover, Sinus Headache, and on top of that… Morning Wood (2 weeks, 5 dates, $350, and not so much as a fucking handjob… jesus) combined to create a Voltron of misery that I could in no way be expected to battle at 5:12 in the morning.
Making my way to the bathroom in the pitch dark (I believed at this time, that having my pupils sting with a burning-crimson-fury that comes from the adjustment to the horrors of the “Night Sun” that is my desk lamp, would have in fact caused me so much pain as to actually spontaneously combust) I proceeded to trip on not one, but BOTH of my fucking shoes, and hit my head on my aquarium in the process. Cursing myself for not turning on the light (hindsight is 20-20, even in an alcohol and disease ridden world), I finally made it to the bathroom with what was remaining of my sanity. I vaguely remember taking a handful of assorted colored pills, (which I frighteningly realize now, might have actually included one of my dog’s flea pills) urinating a fantastic shade of deep amber (think Yuengling Lager), and swaggering into the kitchen for some Ice water. Getting back into bed, I started hacking again… and soon realized I would never be able to get back to sleep. So, in all of my wisdom I decided to shower, shave, and get ready for work… at 5:45 AM.
In a medicated, hung-over state… it is very hard to fight the mind-controlling powers of early morning infomercials. Sitting on my couch in my shirt and tie, I almost ordered a Total Gym, a Micro Touch Hair Trimmer, and some contraption that takes the shells off of hardboiled eggs in one swoop. I settled on the Micro Touch and in 4-6 weeks I will be able to trim my bathing suit area with the greatest of ease… I will keep you posted.
Now I’m at work… I believe I got a 103 fever somewhere between the water cooler and my desk, and If someone else tells me “Wow…you don’t look to good… Sick, or just ‘too much weekend’ -laugh -wink” I think I will try to hang my self by thumb tacking my tie to my office door and dropping quickly to my knees.
The only thing keeping me going is the fact that the steelers AND my fantasy football team won this weekend, and I know that I have a half a dozen Car bombs (Guinness, Jamesson, & Baileys) waiting for me tonight during Monday Night Football.
Monday should come with a surgeon generals warning, or at least a coupon for one free bullet when you rent a gun.
-6 hours to go…
this is in or around My Desk
Original Source: best of craigslist: Hello, Monday! …now go fuck yourself