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Read This Confession To Me
Your voice is quite charming in a sleazy, condescending, I-Get-Paid-To-Harrass-People kind of way. You must be so good with the ladies – I can picture you on a date, with that deep “I am full of self-importance” voice, asking her “So am I to file you under deadbeat mistress because you won’t sleep with me after knowing me for an hour?”
I am assuming you are either 1. Just out of college and eager to prove yourself by threatening a faceless person on the telephone, 2. A wannabe lawyer who is not smart enough to ever pass the BAR exam and therefore miserable in life, or 3. Someone who was picked on a lot in high school and believes this job is his calling to get revenge on all those bullies who made life a living hell.
Ours is definitely a missed connection, because after the first threatening phone call, I instructed our receptionist to screen all calls from you. Sad, but where I work, as I informed you several times, I cannot continue to speak to you without raising my voice, and unfortunately I cannot tell you everything I really want to say, as I am in public and do not want my coworkers to hear the trash language I would use.
You see, debt collector, my bills have always been paid on time. I am not a deadbeat, nor do I avoid paying my credit cards. But when you have a bank like Bank of America, who gets $20 billion dollars of US tax payers money, then turns around and changes credit card interest rates from 10% to 29.99% with no explanation, increases the monthly minimum amount due from $150 to $675 and turns your account over to a bottom feeder collection agency after two months because their customer could only pay $300 each of those months, there is a problem.
And the problem does not lie with me. Like millions of other Americans who work hard every single day and are struggling, I am not rolling around on a pile of bailout money. I am not buying up other banks and then changing the credit card rules because I can. I am not an executive of Bank of America who lives in a $4 million mansion and flies to exotic places on a private jet while millions of people lose their homes and their lives.
I am, in fact, a college-educated professional who is completely dumbfounded by the state of this country. In fact, I bet the money you say I owe that I am more educated, smarter and make more money than you. I simply don’t make enough to pay you the thousands of dollars you claim I owe you today “or else”. By the way – those fees and surcharges totalling more than $2000 that you tacked on to my Bank of America account balance is not going to fly.
So here’s what I shall do to ensure that we are not just another missed connection.
The next time you call me at work, I will take you call. I will also record the call, since it is illegal for you to continue calling at my place of employment once I have requested that you stop.
I will submit the tape to my attorney, along with my intent to sue you for harrassment, threats and stalking, along with emotional distress (I had to have two glasses of wine to calm my nerves after your call!)
And then I will sit back with my family, relax and know that eventually, this matter will be settled and behind me, and I will continue my life of love and laughter.
You, on the other hand, will still be at your dirty little desk, dressed in your dingy suit and tie, calling other “deadbeats” and lashing out at them because it makes your own pitiful little life seem less empty.